We’ve known each other quite a while now, and I can’t say it’s been all bad. You’ve provided a soft place for a lover or a child to rest his head. You give a little verve to my curve. Hell, I even made a career out of you when I got on the women’s body-image platform with the bodyBODY Project.
But now I’m afraid we’re through. I’ve tried negotiating with you. I did the no-carb thing for a month or so, only to catapult off the wagon into a vat of tiny dark chocolates when I noticed that you still weren’t going away. I certainly don’t want to replace my wardrobe — it’s hard enough as it is to get me out of the fluffy pink soy/bamboo robe I got for Christmas.
I’ve bested you before, and I thought maybe you’d leave for good. Remember the winter of 1990-91, when we were in Thailand and swam every day for three months in the bluest of waters, and ate only the simple, local, healthy food that was available? Or how about when my ex in Seattle cheated on me, and then moved RIGHT NEXT DOOR and I could see into his kitchen? Heh heh, dropped two sizes on that one!!! Still, you sneaked back, determined. Stubborn willful bitch that you are.
In the last few months, I’ve tried the flu. I’ve tried falling in love, I’ve tried therapy and I’ve tried the no carb thing, which, frankly, makes anyone a cranky motherfucker. Still, you wait, nourished by the cheese I so adore, the crusty breads and, yes, the occasional muffin for breakfast. (It’s called “cake” when you eat it any other time of day, by the way.)
So I offer you a truce. You go away this summer and let me enjoy those two super sexycool bikinis I bought on sale. The first bikinis I’ve purchased in more than five years! And maybe I’ll let you visit during the winter holidays. You can have all the turkey and mashed potatoes and Aunt Ann’s pies you can handle. Huh? What do you say?
Should you decide not to accept this offer, I will be forced to do the unthinkable. MasterCleanse. And neither of us want that.
So please, go back to whence you came. I don’t even care if you go there. Just go somewhere else. It’s for the best.